I am having a hard time figuring out what I want to do with myself. I commit myself to everything, and have a hard time succeeding in any of it. I am failing at everything because I can’t commit myself to one.

When we are young they ask what you want to be when we grew up. It was then when my 6 year old self in Ms. Andy’s ballet class answered “my name is Brenda and I want to be an explorer”. That later changed to singer. Then to a nurse. Then an olympic swimmer. And at the end of it all. I said I wanted to be a singer/songwriter.

For the last 4 and a half years… I’ve been lying to myself that I am chasing to be a song writer, a singer, an artist.  I got sucked up in the town of lights and celebrities, that I repeated the dialogue that I. Was. One. Of. Them. Too. But I am not even close.

I said I would get the hell out of school as soon as I could. But it is sucking me in for the long run.

I am exhausted. This giant loop of fighting goals. I want to write lyrics, but I have to write an essay. I want to work on my music but I have to go to work. I want to be free, but I can’t afford to be.

I am an explorer. Maybe one day, I will find myself.

“You are what you do. Not what you say you’ll do.”